Amanda was one of the first women I met when I launched my It’s Positive! Instagram back in November. I admire her openness and willingness to share the ups and downs of her infertility journey. She has one of the most beautiful voices and a contagious smile, and it’s been a blessing getting to know her!
Amanda Hyde is a Financial Adviser’s Assistant from Nashua, New Hampshire. She has been married to her husband Mike for 2 years and has a cat named Barnabas. Amanda and Mike love going on vacations, especially to Disney (both Land in California and World in Florida). When Amanda isn’t working, she is usually found at her piano pouring her heart out to God, at worship rehearsal for Sunday worship, at Bible study, or working with the youth band at her church. Music called to her heart at an early age and she now uses that to help bring others to know the Lord.
Our love story is short and sweet. Girl gets her heart broken. Girl jokingly makes online dating profile on Valentine’s Day. Boy sends her sweet message. Boy and girl go on a first date, and as they say, the rest was history. Mike and I were engaged within six months and married just 14 months after meeting. I could go on and on about how God works in mysterious ways and answers prayers when you least expect it, but I’ll save that for another day. All you need to know is that the Lord is good and I wouldn’t have our love story start any other way.
Life Before Our Diagnosis
April 26, 2014 was the best day of my life. It was the day I vowed to spend forever with my husband Mike. We both come from divorced parents (mine were separated when I was two) and we knew that divorce would never be an option for us. We spent our wedding day surrounded by our friends and family rejoicing in all that God had given to us. After years and years of seeking male approval, it was amazing to see God answer my prayer for a husband who was also pursuing God.
April 26, 2014 also marks the day we started trying to conceive a baby. At this point, my periods were inconsistent, but my physician told me not to
worry about it because it probably was due to stress from the wedding. She also told me that once we were married I would start having normal cycles again. She couldn’t have been more wrong.
By August 2014, I had only had one period and I was still worried. This time when I went to the doctor to ask about what could be wrong, she said, “Oh sometimes these things take longer to adjust themselves back to normal.”
I’m just going to pause here for a moment and say this: If you feel something is wrong with your body, seek a second opinion. If I had, maybe things would have progressed a bit faster in my story.
All the while, Mike and I were adjusting to married life pretty well and things were great. He moved down to my home town, we both got new jobs, found an apartment, started attending our amazing church as a married couple, and I became more active on the worship team. At this point, I wasn’t praying to be pregnant. I wasn’t praying for answers. I wasn’t actively trying anything. I was just hoping it would kind of happen on its own. It had only been a few months, so I didn’t need to see an OB/GYN.
January 2015 came around and I had only had 3 cycles since getting married. I knew now something was wrong, so I made my first OB/GYN appointment. At first, I loved my OB/GYN. She asked me far more questions than my physician asked. She seemed to care that first day. After asking
about my cycles and history, she said once I started my next cycle we would do day 3 lab work to see if I could be diagnosed with anything. I wouldn’t have those labs done for 3 more months.
Diagnosis
On April 6, 2015 (also my husband’s birthday) I received a call from the doctor. “PCOS.” I was at rehearsal for a play when I got the call, and I really didn’t hear much after she said PCOS. I had no idea what it meant — both what the abbreviation meant and what it would mean for us going forward. The doctor told me to call her when I started my next cycle and we would start my first round of Clomid (an ovulation-inducing drug).
This was where I started to panic. I started to freak out. Why are women getting pregnant all the time, and yet here I am almost a year into trying
and just getting a diagnosis to why I couldn’t be one of those women. I realized then that I needed to turn my focus toward God and not myself. I had started a blog but wasn’t using it very much, but I realized at that point that I needed to start using it as an outlet to keep myself leveled.
The past year (April 2015-2016) has been so hard on me, and yet I have never felt closer to the Lord. Six failed rounds of Clomid really does something to a woman psychologically. Each month I would think, “Yep, this is it. I ovulated, we did it, I’m going to be pregnant.” And like clockwork every month, I would take between 3 and 7 pregnancy tests — all negative. “Maybe I won’t get a positive until later after my missed period. Nope, here’s Aunt Flo, Amanda. Start again.” After my 4th failed round, I needed a break. The hot flashes, the emotions, the hormones, the tiredness — it was all catching up to me and I just couldn’t do another round. We took a cycle break (which lasted 3 months) only to do 2 more rounds of Clomid in January and February, which both failed.
Psalm 61
For almost 5 years now, Psalm 61 has been my go-to in Scripture. No matter what I’ve gone through in life, Psalm 61 has been a comfort to me. It was the first verse I read after my grandmother died, which then brought me to know Jesus as my Savior. So I sought comfort in Psalm 61, specifically verses 2, 4 and 8:
“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I … I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings … Then I will ever sing in praise of your name and fulfill my vows day after
day.” (Psalm 61:2,4,8)
As I read these words from Psalm 61 today, I know why God placed them in my heart 5 years ago. He was preparing me for such a time as this. I call as my heart grows faint. When you feel like you’ve been alone for over two years, I couldn’t think of a more realistic representation of how I have felt. With a weary heart, I call out daily for God to just lead me to something higher than myself.
Matthew 6
Another verse I cling to throughout our infertility journey is from Matthew 6, which says:
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)
It can be difficult and challenging to not worry about any day other than the one we are in. What will come tomorrow? Will the day bring joy or sadness? Will we find out good news or bad? Will tomorrow FINALLY be the day we see two pink lines on the pregnancy test? Sadly for us, we know we won’t be seeing two pink lines tomorrow, but I have so much hope in Christ that we WILL see those lines someday. I know and believe God has a good, perfect plan for my life.
Through this struggle I have met many great friends also struggling through infertility, whether they’re real life friends or Instagram friends, or other people who have read my blog. I have grown so much closer with my husband in the past two years than I think we would have grown without infertility. In a situation where Satan could have ripped us apart and made us resent each other, we sought God and he pulled us closer than I thought was imaginable, and I trust he will continue to keep us growing closer to each other.
Most importantly through these past two years, I have grown into a stronger Christian than I thought I could ever be. I’m learning new things daily about God through reading his word, singing praises to his name (like in Psalm 61:8), and by surrounding myself with people who are of like faith. Having others praying daily for Mike and I through this crazy struggle has been profound. It’s incredible to see the amount of people who support us and want us to have children as much as we desire. But these people also pray for us to not be angry with God. I’m sure it is hard for a lot of women (and men too) in infertility to say, “You know what, God is supposed to answer my prayers. He’s not giving me what I want so I’m out.” I’m hoping through my struggle I am able to show people that God is on our side! He is for us, not against us. He doesn’t want to see us hurting, and his promises are good! We just need to remember that his plans are perfect, not to be rushed, and that he is good all the time!
For more personal stories, and to share your story on how the Lord sustained you, grew you, and what you learned, visit my “Your Story” page!
Thanks for sharing your story Amanda. I love your heart to pursue the Lord in it all and hope to hear how the rest of your story is written by Him!
Ditto, Caroline! I wish the three of us weren’t experiencing this pain, but it only deepens my trust in the Lord when we experience His goodness amongst this trial!