The “A’s” of Supporting Your Infertile Loved One This Christmas

While the Christmas season is joyous as we celebrate our Savior’s birth and gather with our loved ones, there is oftentimes an underlying, invisible, silent pain and mourning that infertile couples carry. Perhaps it was to be their baby’s due date, perhaps it was the month they were diagnosed. Perhaps they’ve been watching families decorate Christmas cookies and visit Santa together, wondering why it’s not them. Perhaps they see gifts under the tree, and while grateful for them, would give it all up to have the one gift they’ve been praying for but have not received.

I’ve come up with some helpful “A’s” to guide you, as a family member or friend, in being a positive and loving support for your loved one this Christmas.

(1) DO Acknowledge

What does acknowledgment look like? Well, a simple text or email go a long way: “Hey sweets, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and praying for you this Christmas.” Pretty simple, isn’t it? Modern technology makes it easy to quickly send love! And let’s face it — texting or emailing takes away the awkwardness of a face-to-face acknowledgement if that’s not your thing. You’d be surprised how simply acknowledging your loved one’s condition can dramatically influence your relationship and nourish their spirits.

(2) DO Ask

Don’t assume that asking your loved one how they are doing/feeling during this season will make them sad. Here’s the truth: Infertility and/or loss is on our mind day in and day out — and it’s heightened during major holidays. Asking how we are doesn’t need to be lengthy or in-depth, but it goes hand-in-hand with acknowledging. Simple questions to ask: “How are you feeling?” “Can I do anything for you?” “How can I pray for you?”

(3) DO Accept

Accept your loved one’s infertility. Accept that they may not be their cheeriest selves this Christmas. Avoid shaming them for being down, and resist forcing them to “be happy.” I understand it can feel awkward — but let them feel, let them grieve, let them mourn, let them cry, let them take alone time.

Lastly, I encourage you to make an attempt to keep these three “A’s” out of your conversations and interactions this holiday:

(1) DON’T Assume

Assuming your loved one isn’t hurting or struggling benefits no one in the end. Don’t assume that you fully know the treatments, medications, therapies that they are undergoing. There’s no other way to say this, but if you have not walked the road of infertility and loss, there is no place for your assumptions.

(2) DON’T Avoid

Avoiding bringing up pain and heartache only creates a greater gap in your relationship, whether that’s your intention or not. Avoidance makes us feel unimportant, forgotten, minimalized, and isolated — and who wants to feel that way, especially around the holidays? As mentioned earlier, a simple acknowledgment can bring a much-needed joy to your friend.

(3) DON’T Advise

Sharing anecdotes, stories, and recent studies about infertility/loss generally hurts more than helps. The following are not helpful: “My friend went on vacation and relaxed, and she finally got pregnant!” “I heard it’s still possible for those with your disease to get pregnant!” “At least you can drink champagne on New Year’s without worrying about anything!” “If the Virgin Mary can conceive, so can you!” “You should try {insert advice, treatment, procedure here} to help you.” If you have questions about any of these, I’d be more than happy to discuss how to best equip your conversations! Give me a shout.

Praying you and your loved ones can bask in the glory of our Savior’s birth! Merry Christmas!

Tidings of comfort and joy,