Infertility is awkward. The holidays can be awkward. Put the two together, and it can make for a potentially explosive Christmas if we don’t share with our loved ones how they should be responding.
Through the years (and much trial-and-error), I’ve come to understand and recognize six key components to establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends and family in our infertility journey. There are six “A” words that make it easy to remember. Three have been placed on the Nice List, and three on the Naughty List.
If you’re reading this today and feel as though you cannot share how you feel with your loved ones, allow me to do so for you. Simply share this post on social media, or email it to your family — and allow me to do the dirty work for you. I pray your loved ones find themselves on the Nice List this year!
The Nice List
1. Acknowledging
What does acknowledgment look like? Well, a simple text or email go a long way: “Hey sweets, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and praying for you.” Pretty simple, isn’t it? Modern technology makes it easy to quickly send love! And let’s face it — texting or emailing takes away the awkwardness of a face-to-face acknowledgement if that’s not your thing. You’d be surprised how simply acknowledging my condition can dramatically influence our relationship, calm my heart, and comfort my soul.
2. Asking
Don’t assume that asking me how I’m doing/feeling will make me sad. Here’s the truth: Infertility is on my mind day in and day out. Asking how I am doesn’t need to be lengthy or in-depth, but it goes hand-in-hand with acknowledging. Simple questions to ask: “How are you feeling?” “Can I do anything for you?” “How can I pray for you?”
3. Accepting
Accept the reality that infertility is part of my life now. Accept that I may not be my cheeriest self this holiday season. Do not shame me for being down, and please resist forcing me to “be happy and positive.” I understand that my sadness can feel awkward to you — but let me feel, let me grieve, let me mourn, let me cry, let me take alone time.
The Naughty List
4. Assuming
Assuming that I’m not hurting or struggling benefits neither you or me in the end. Don’t assume that you fully know the treatments, medications, therapies that I am undergoing. There’s no other way to say this, but if you have not walked the road of infertility, there is little place for your assumptions.
5. Avoiding
Avoiding bringing up pain and heartache only creates a greater gap in our relationship, whether that’s your intention or not. Avoidance makes me feel unimportant, forgotten, minimized, and isolated — and who wants to feel that way? I don’t. As mentioned earlier, a simple acknowledgment can bring a much-needed lift to my heart.
6. Advising
Sharing anecdotes, stories, and recent studies about infertility generally hurts me more than it helps. The following are not helpful: “My friend went on vacation and relaxed, and she finally got pregnant!” “I heard it’s still possible for those with your disease to get pregnant!” “At least you can drink champagne on New Year’s without worrying about anything!” “Listen, if the Virgin Mary can conceive, so can you!” “You should try {insert advice, treatment, procedure here} to help you.”
I hope you and your loved ones find this list helpful. May it bless and nourish your relationships this Christmas and all year long!
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Cover image used with permission, RawPixel via Unsplash.
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