{Your Story} Jil and Brooks Davis

It’s my joy and honor to share this guest post and insight from Jil Davis, a fantastic woman of God that I met through Instagram along our infertility journey. Jil is wonderfully suited to be my first guest poster on “It’s Positive!” because her perspective on infertility is Gospel-centered like mine. Jil and her husband Brooks own and operate ThorneBrook Farms in beautiful Virginia where they raise all natural grass fed beef and lamb. She is also the author of “For the Love of Joy” blog. Please enjoy her story and make sure to head over to “For the Love of Joy“!

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I met my husband, Brooks, in high school 16 years ago. We were so young and in love; full of hopes and dreams of the future. We had plan after plan set, complete with the ignorance that nothing could stand in our way. We were in control of our future. Little did we know, we weren’t. We hadn’t learned that we could plan our course but it was the Lord that would determine our steps {Proverbs 16:9}.

That’s where we find ourselves today. In the realities that Someone else holds our course of action according to His will. So long ago, at the very beginning of our marriage, Brooks and I wrote out a hardcopy of our life long goals. Things we wanted to accomplish and things we hoped for. That list included things like starting a business or two, buying land, providing our own food through farming and gardening, having a place for our parents to retire.

We wanted to build a family… farm style of course. We envisioned a long farmhouse table with bench seating. We would seat ourselves on the end-caps as bookends to our family of children seated in between… all 3-5 of them. Can you see it? Not to be cliché but we envisioned it to be like The Waltons. A house bustling with young and a few parents – although, maybe they wouldn’t be in the house but at least on the property. Don’t know that we could handle that one…

Three months after our nuptials, we stopped all forms of birth control. Primarily, we had been using a standard prescription pill for me but I had been getting terrible migraines. So, mostly for that reason, we stopped it all together. We took the approach that we had wanted a big family and if it started with this cycle then so be it, Lord willing.

But one cycle turned into two, which then turned into many. Simply “letting nature take its course” turned into years. Before we knew it, we found ourselves 5 years into our marriage, not having used birth control for 4 years and 7 months of that time, and we still didn’t have a single child on those bench seats. Over the next 3.5 years I found myself in the throws of bouts of depression and anxiety. I had grown to be bitter and jealous over family and friends who were moving on to having their second and third child while I struggled for just one.

Didn’t they know the pain I was in? The struggle I had? It was unfair for them to grow their family without allowing me to catch up first … I grew be unreasonable in my thoughts. I cried all the time, skipped baby showers, and for the days leading up to them I was an anxious wreck of a human being; I was having outbursts of anger and rage because my emotions and heart were no longer in check.

Simply stated: I was a mess. No matter how hard I tried and how long I prayed I couldn’t shake the emotions of the struggle. It was like every day my empty womb felt it necessary to remind me to fill it. But, unfortunately, I couldn’t help my emptiness. There was nothing that I could do. Nothing I tried worked.

“Lord, don’t you know my heart at all? Having a family is a call you gave to us believers a long time ago! You created us for your pleasure and delight! Based on your truth and character, Your very word, You love a large family! Why aren’t you answering our prayers? Our prayers are honorable and are a godly request!”

Still, no babies.

There are three things that are never satisfied, four never say “Enough!”: the grave, the barren womb, the earth that is not satisfied with water, and the fire never says, “Enough!”
Proverbs 30:15b-16

I believe wholeheartedly that His word is true. I believe that every word is breathed by God Himself. So, when I first read these words, my heart leaped for the relief I so desperately needed. Closure. I finally had an answer from the Lord, in His word, as to why infertility had such a relentless death grip on me. I finally understood why I just couldn’t shake this thing that kept rearing its ugly head. It was a good day to finally know why I could move on from so many of life’s disappoints, but not this one. {Sigh} Relief. God knew. And He knew this would be one of the biggest struggles in the life of a woman. So much so, he compared it to these terrible things – death, drought, and fire. God knew then. God knows now.

But, also, I wept in unrest. Believing these words as truth I prayed earnestly that the Lord would heal me. That He would rescue me from the despair that I found myself in. The confusion. I was hit immediately with the thought of having to battle infertility for the rest of my life. The barren womb never says “Enough.”

This life, that the Lord has called me to, compares to death, to drought, and to all-consuming fire. Ironically (or not), these are all adjectives to this thing called infertility. It’s a trial that cripples a woman and renders her ineffective with grief (death). It brings about seasons of doubt and distrust of God’s sovereignty, His power and His might causing us to drift away from relationship with Him and soon we find ourselves leading a prayerless, joyless life (drought). And the burning anger within the womb of a barren woman. It’s a force to be reckoned with (all-consuming fire). Bitterness is a fearsome thing to behold.

As I faced the reality and brevity of our circumstances, I made it my resolve to not let infertility beat me. With God’s strength and sufficiency, and the knowledge that there’s evidence He knows how awful infertility is, I was going to be made ready for whatever this battle threw my way. Be it depression, disappointment, discouragement, anger, or the dreaded pregnancy announcement from a family member or friend, I was determined to overcome it. Under the wings of my Lord, I would abound {Psalm 94:1}. But, how?

I prayed for knowledge and wisdom. “Lord, prepare me. Teach me. Mold me. What is it you have for me in this?”

It took about a year after finding the verses above to realize what more God had to show me through them. Yes, a little over a whole year. It was easy to see these verses as glass half empty. An infertile myrtle like myself would read them and begin a pity party. In fact, that’s what I did in the yearlong journey to finding this one answer: the “how.”

God didn’t mean for me to be rendered powerless in these verses. He wanted me to see that He is El Shaddai – All Sufficient, God Almighty. I can walk boldly and confidently on this path. God showed me that ALL of the things listed in these verses – death, drought, fire, and even barrenness – were ALL overcome by the Lord. In scripture, there is proof of victory over each one.

Drought – Exodus 15:22-27; Deuteronomy 8:15
Fire – Daniel 3:25
Death – Christ Himself overcame death on the cross through His resurrection in the tomb
Barren Womb – Hannah’s Story in 1 Samuel 1:1-20; Elizabeth’s in Luke 1:5-14; & more

God overcame them all. What am I to fear? Nothing. Not depression, fear of the unknown, fear that my womb may never be full, fear of never being healed of my anger, bitterness, and resentment – towards others and the Lord.

Victory is mine through Christ.

He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.
Psalm 113:9

I needed to genuinely take God at His word. It wasn’t enough to believe with my mind that His words were true. I needed to believe in my heart that they were and still are – no matter what the circumstances.

I had finally realized that this wasn’t all there was for me. About 8 and half years in, my prayers changed. I started adding “Lord, Your will be done” to them. I started searching and studying His word for how to live life outside of my struggle. How to avoid focusing on the “no” answers He’s giving me right now and focus on the “yes.” He was saying “yes” to so many things. There were things that I hadn’t even given a minute of attention to, such as my testimony and how to encourage other women. Things like my husband who I had not allowed to be my best friend, the work of my hands, the people in my life He’s given to me to lean on as my friends. None of these gifts He’d given to me were being honored.

There is a life right now that we are a part of. We may be blind to it now, but the Lord has it for us for His good and favorable will. My prayer for you, sister, is that despite the emotion of your (our) struggle, you can find peace in the knowledge of the Lord. That He truly KNOWS each and every tear and every fit of rage, disappointment, and bitterness. He even sees the ugly grimaces on the face of our heart because someone else has what we want to badly. He knows and we can rest in that.

Brooks and I have not been healed of our empty womb. However, we have been healed of our empty heart. My heart is no longer focused on those things that bring about fear of the unknown. God has given me a compassion for the infertile women of this world. In my experience, whether or not a woman will ever conceive, she can’t do this alone. She needs Christ. She needs the safety and guidance of her Lord. Don’t attempt this without Him. You will not prevail and will likely find yourself never healed both emotionally and physically.

Today, my husband and I have been trying natural methods of conception for 10 years and 2 months. We’ve seen two fertility specialists and have committed to one of them. In January 2016, we will begin our first-ever medical intervention – IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination). It’s a fancy term for artificial insemination.

We are very excited and as always will press forward in the hope that our hearts truly believe in. We are prepared and ready for what may come. Join us in praying not only for us but for our entire community of women and couples who know exactly what it’s like to be empty in a world full of fertile myrtles.

Be blessed.

Jil Davis, For the Love of Joy

Photos courtesy of Ashley Duke, Faith Photography.