Baby showers. Most people see these as joyous occasions — and they are! However, for many women suffering through infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant/child loss, baby showers can be a source of deep pain, anxiety, and heartache.
I want to encourage you today — and I mean, really encourage you. The word “encourage” quite literally means “to bring in to courage,” and that’s what I’m here to do. Please know that I am in no way saying you should feel guilty or ashamed if you choose not to attend a shower. But these words I am offering come from my own experience and suffering, and I hope they give you the boost of strength you need in your time of pain today.
The slippery slope of avoidance
I know avoidance well. I have suffered with a debilitating anxiety/panic disorder on and off since my youth. My go-to coping strategy? Easily and hands-down, avoidance is where I go to ease my anxiety. I find that if I avoid the situations that cause me discomfort, then naturally I don’t have to feel uncomfortable. Boom! Easy!
Let me tell you, sister: avoidance is a scary and treacherous path to walk. It begins innocently. A situation or person may make you uneasy, sad, or anxious. You tell yourself it’s easier and better not to confront the uneasiness — and I know how relieved you feel when you’re at home in your comfort zone. You say you’ll go or try another time, that it’s no big deal, and that you can manage it. Over time, however, this becomes a habit. And eventually, you will feel worse, removed, isolated, even depressed.
I have learned that when we choose comfort first, we end up missing out on the treasures God has designed to enrich our lives.
I’m guessing you may be thinking right now, “This woman has no idea what I’ve endured. I’ve struggled with infertility for __ years. I’ve lost ___ babies. I can’t handle anything baby-related anymore. I have the right to not attend a shower or party.” You are correct; I have not walked in your shoes nor do I claim to know you completely. But I do know what it is like to be chained by my circumstances and burdened by life’s pains.
And in my seasons of suffering, the Lord has graciously freed me through some valuable perspective changes:
Your presence is a gift.
When that invitation arrives in the mail, it is direct evidence of a relationship, that someone desires for you to be involved in their child’s life. What a gift! What an honor! You have been invited to walk alongside another human being’s life, to impact their life, to support and love them.
I want to encourage you to look at yourself with eyes of gratitude. This child’s mother and father value you so deeply that they’ve invited you into their lives to be part of a tremendous miracle. What a joy and blessing, sister. Don’t regard this lightly. Cherish the gift of love, life, family, and friendship.
One smile, one laugh.
Though I will say that I have never not attended a baby shower, I do relate with the specific triggers of my lifelong anxiety disorder. And when those feelings tempt to sink me, I tell myself: “If I can smile once, if I can laugh once, it will be worth it.” Usually, it is. I leave with new inside jokes, laughter, memorable photographs, even new friendships. These are more nourishing to my soul than sitting at home in my pain.
Fear has no place here.
Will you allow yourself to be taken captive by feelings of jealousy, anger, bitterness, and fear? Remind yourself that those feelings are not God-given. Don’t allow these enemy-supplied feelings to lead you. Don’t give darkness the upper hand. Don’t let pain dictate your life.
When that invitation comes in the mail and you are tempted to despair, say to yourself (aloud even) in strength, “{Insert feeling} has no place here.” Fear has no place here. Bitterness has no place here. Anger has no place here. Jealousy has no place here. Lay aside the weight and sin ruling your heart in this season, and run ahead with perseverance (Hebrews 12:1). And lastly, remind yourself, “I am a beloved, cherished daughter of the King.”
Friend, nothing and no one is beyond the reach of God’s power. Your life is an opportunity to be used, to be challenged, to be a witness to His grace through your suffering. The Lord will not bring you to a challenging situation without carrying you and sustaining your every breath (Isaiah 46:4).
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)
Prayer
Almighty, sovereign Lord, I uplift the women reading this right now who are suffering through infertility, miscarriage, and loss. Oh God of hope, I pray that you would fill them with joy and peace in believing, that they would abound in hope by the power of your Spirit (Romans 15:13). Remind them that they can come to you in their pain and brokenness, and that you do not cast out anyone who comes to you (John 6:37). Equip these women to walk boldly and confidently, unafraid of what lies ahead. Lift them out of their darkness, shame, fears, and anxieties, Lord. Show them what it means to rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15), and remind them that what they lack does not mean you are withholding goodness from them. I give all these things to you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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Cover image used with permission from The Digital Marketing Collaboration via Unsplash.com.
This is a great post. I disagree slightly in that I don’t think we should feel bad about not attending showers if we’re in the middle of an intense time of grief or treatment. I know I couldn’t attend a shower if I had to excuse myself in the middle of the gift opening in order to go give myself my IVF shots. Or if I had recently found out a treatment failed, etc. However, I agree that we shouldn’t make it a habit not to attend, or decide that we’re not going to treatments for an indefinite amount of time. Thoughtful and challenging stuff here!
Oops, I meant “showers,” not “treatments” in the next-to-last sentence.
Thank you for your honest input, Lisa! I definitely would never imply that anyone feel badly or guilty about not attending — it’s all about looking at our heart deeply and honestly and what our motives are. Everyone’s journey is unique! Here to uplift and encourage the women!
xoxo
Thank you for writing about this. I appreciate your words and the beautiful prayer. I also appreciate the conversation in the comments. This is definitely such a hard thing to navigate…I find myself looking for christian perspectives online because I feel so alone in this in my real life and it’s helpful to see the uplifting and real struggles from other Christian women. I feel the same struggle with baby showers but more so with holiday events, and other situations I never would have thought about in the past. It’s a real pain and real challenge navigating through with Christ – I feel like the harder I try the harder I fail. But again thank you again we need more community about this 🩷
Yes! This is beautiful. Thank you so much for offering this encouragement. I agree that avoidance is a slippery slope. If we always avoid every hard thing, how will we ever learn and grow? I would much rather live in freedom than as a slave to fear and bitterness.
I am grateful for the invitations I receive, because they indicate that the parent values our relationship, and if nothing else, I want to honor that, because I highly value my relationships with other people. And while there is pain in baby-related events, I personally find healing as well.
Thank you, Melissa! I love what you said about living in freedom rather than as a slave to fear and bitterness — I’m all for that! xoxo
I never understood not attending showers so I am glad that you are encouraging people to do so! I know I want to be showered when it’s my turn, so I am thankful to do the same thing for others while waiting!
“When it’s my turn” = all the feels! I love your heart, Caroline — and I love how you uplift others and encourage them in a godly way. So blessed by you! <3 <3 <3
I have avoided them over the past few years and now I’m not sure why. I know it was definitely hard a few times with getting invites to a shower when I felt like I hardly knew the person – mostly from those that are in my congregation. But I tried hard to go to close friends and even threw a few baby showers myself.
Thank you for sharing this, Tedi! There is certainly no shame for those who cannot attend in their seasons of grief, and I’m grateful that the Lord brought you to where you are today! xoxo
Im in this place right now not because of infertility (and my thoughts prayers and heart goes out to the women who have experienced infertility) I am a struggling single and can not bear the reminders of what i am not …has nothing to do with the person who is having the shower, It has to do with me grieving what isn’t and who in there right mind would want somebody and emotional wreck at their party….so rather than go through the torment …I just rather not go. I do however prefer to present a gift to the bride or mom to be in advance or directly after the date of the shower to make up for the fact I wont be attending.
Hi friend! Singleness is a form of infertility, in my opinion — equally as painful. I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I have dear friends who can relate to your story who have helped me understand the pain of singleness. It’s okay not to attend a shower! There is no shame or guilt that you should feel — do what’s best for you. <3 And always remember, your identity is not in your circumstances! We are so much more than our infertility and singleness! Much love <3
a person who suffers from involuntary childlessness does NOT belong at baby showers. There is not enough support or awareness of how ignorant and insensitive a group of mothers can be at these gatherings. When a person has to live with such a pain.. each day is never-ending battle and to suggest that subject themselves to such a painful circus is a big mistake.
My post certainly isn’t a one-size-fits-all suggestion, just another way of reframing our situations and empowering us. No pressure, guilt, or shame intended. Nothing wrong with missing a baby shower. Thank you for your comment, Savannah <3
Awww! How sweet of you! Of course, I should suffer through the pain and attend a baby shower just for the expectant mother. However, where were friends like you when I suffered through a another miscarriage or came to the realization I probably would not be able to conceive. Where were you when I asked you to attend any event to celebrate, maybe it was just a drink to celebrate life…Nope..of course, you are too busy with children no less….Life is full of celebrations and no one should ever feel obligated to attend one that hurts them to the depth of their very soul!
Hey Elle, I’m sorry that you’re suffering too. Please just know as I said from the very start that this was not a blanket statement or something anyone should ever feel guilt or obligation about. Simply based on my experiences and to offer one another way of looking at things. <3 Thank you for stopping by.
Dear Meredith, I think you’re very brave to even air this subject; well done ? A lot of pain to be found on this site, my heart goes out to all. Don’t let it discourage YOU and your writing though, little dear sister in Christ. They’re just very hurt, God bless them, God bless them. With big love n hugs to them … and you.
Not going to lie: my heart gave a quick flutter when I saw I had a comment on this post … There has been a lot of push back and unkind words, many of which I’ve deleted simply because of the cursing! So to see your encouragement here truly blessed my heart. THANK YOU for giving me a virtual hug and motivation to keep writing! The Lord knew I needed it today. Thank you sister <3
Gee can’t imagine why you got pushback. And also, “when it’s my turn” is something that’s never going to happen for some women. Baby showers and a bunch of women crowing about their babies and children and families to someone who will never have that is trauma. Let them have their day, but think twice about subjecting anyone already suffering to that.