The first few months after receiving my infertility diagnosis filled me with anger, fear, confusion, doubt, regret, anxiety, and sadness (to name a few). Everything I had dreamed and planned for my life was suddenly tangled, clouded, dark. If I had made a syllabus outlining my life before my doctor’s appointment, I may as well have put it through the shredder when I left. But over time, I have realized and accepted that my infertility is a blessing. I repeat -- a blessing! Because I have little to no control over this. A self-confessed control-freak now has no access to the steering wheel. No control. Yes, probably the two most-feared words I can think of. I know the Lord is … [Read more...]
The Extended “It’s Positive!” Story
I sat on my couch texting my friends: "I feel purposeless." I wrote about it in my private blog: "I have no purpose right now." The only thing I kept repeating to my husband was: "What am I supposed to do? I have no purpose, Matt." In the beginning stages of my infertility walk, I turned to online forums, infertility hashtags, and surface-level devotionals. But these lets-only-talk-about-our-pain relationships in the infertility community hindered rather than helped me. Constantly talking in "infertility language" like (CD, POS, DPO, CM, PUPO), using a screen name, never showing my face, and only telling people what day of my cycle I was in was a rollercoaster of confusion, anxiety, and … [Read more...]
Our Infertility Story: Four Life-Changing Letters
Four letters changed our lives on March 12, 2013. It was a damp, snowy day. I pulled into the parking lot of a local fertility specialist’s office. I was so nervous pulling up to the building that I had to take a couple deep breaths as I felt the anxiety pulsing through my veins. My heart was racing. The snow started to collect on my windshield. I pulled up the hood on my coat and ran into the building. The receptionist checked me in after having me fill out numerous forms and disclosures. My hopes were high, and I was just ready to get my exam over with. I sat down in the waiting room and my heart was racing. I thought it was from running through the parking lot and dodging puddles of … [Read more...]