Whether infertility is new to you, or you’re a seasoned vet, conveying how you hope your friends and family will respond can be complicated. Believe me — I know all too well. Through the years, I’ve come to understand and recognize six key components to establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends and family when it comes to our infertility journey.
So, if you’re reading this today and feeling as though you cannot share how you feel with your loved ones, allow me to do so for you. Simply share it on your social media or email it to your network and allow me to do the dirty work for you!
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To my dear friends and family,
What I’m going through is awkward. Our conversations and interactions can be awkward. Infertility is awkward.
You may not know what to say to me or how to respond, and sometimes I don’t even know myself. But there are small and painless things you can do (and not do) that will help me as I try to walk this rocky road. There are six “A” words that make it easy to remember:
Acknowledge
What does acknowledgment look like? Well, a simple text or email go a long way: “Hey sweets, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and praying for you.” Pretty simple, isn’t it? Modern technology makes it easy to quickly send love! And let’s face it — texting or emailing takes away the awkwardness of a face-to-face acknowledgement if that’s not your thing. You’d be surprised how simply acknowledging my condition can dramatically influence our relationship and nourish my soul.
Ask
Don’t assume that asking me how I’m doing/feeling will make me sad. Here’s the truth: Infertility and/or loss is on my mind day in and day out. Asking how I am doesn’t need to be lengthy or in-depth, but it goes hand-in-hand with acknowledging. Simple questions to ask: “How are you feeling?” “Can I do anything for you?” “How can I pray for you?”
Accept
Accept that I’m going through infertility. Accept that I may not be my cheeriest self today. Do not shame me for being down, and resist forcing me to “be happy and positive.” I understand that it can feel awkward — but let me feel, let me grieve, let me mourn, let me cry, let me take alone time.
Assume
Assuming that I’m not hurting or struggling benefits neither you or me in the end. Don’t assume that you fully know the treatments, medications, therapies that I am undergoing. There’s no other way to say this, but if you have not walked the road of infertility, there is little place for your assumptions.
Avoid
Avoiding bringing up pain and heartache only creates a greater gap in our relationship, whether that’s your intention or not. Avoidance makes me feel unimportant, forgotten, minimalized, and isolated — and who wants to feel that way? I don’t. As mentioned earlier, a simple acknowledgment can bring a much-needed lift to my heart.
Advise
Sharing anecdotes, stories, and recent studies about infertility/loss generally hurts me more than it helps. The following are generally not helpful: “My friend went on vacation and relaxed, and she finally got pregnant!” “I heard it’s still possible for those with your disease to get pregnant!” “At least you can drink champagne on New Year’s without worrying about anything!” “Listen, if the Virgin Mary can conceive, so can you!” “You should try {insert advice, treatment, procedure here} to help you.”
No matter who you are or what role you play in my life, always remember that I’m walking a fine line of hope and heartache. I pray you find this helpful and that it will only deepen our relationship with one another.
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Did you find this helpful? Hit the share buttons below! Also, were there any other “A” words you’d add to this list? Share those with me, too!
Photo used with permission from picjumbo.com
Love this friend. It is so true. at any point there can be hope and at any point there can be heartache. That is so beautifully stated.
Thanks Caroline! Much love! xo
Loved this sugars! I am going to try and get this on my blog Facebook page somehow 🙂 xo
Thanks Elisha! Much appreciated! Hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving, dear sister in Christ! xo
Thank you for this. This was a great list. I wish I could tactfully share this with our family. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and Experienced 5 miscarriages. No children and don’t foresee that as an option in our future. My husband and I have pretty much accepted children are not in the cards for us. When we finally came to this place, we just prayed God would lead us to have a really amazing, well-lived and meaningful life and marriage. We are content. It is somehow harder for our friends and families to deal with this current reality than it is for us.
Hi Tara! Thank you for your message and for reading this post. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you could share this with your family. Maybe you could send it with a voice of “This was a well-written article that I relate to!” instead of “You guys need to step it up.” LOL.
Praising God that you are content!! I’m with you, sister. I don’t see children in our future anymore, but God is so much bigger than our plans. To be content in him is of more value than gold. People have a very hard time understanding how someone can be “okay” without having children. But it’s very real! It’s very possible! All because of the Lord <3 Keep pressing in, Tara!
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Accepting is the hardest and most upsetting part.