It’s a natural desire to say things to comfort those we love who are in pain. But in our desire to eliminate suffering from our loved ones’ lives, we can unintentionally hurt them. Even with the best intentions, we often say the wrong things. Here are five common ways that infertile couples feel hurt from well-meaning family and friends.
Offering the “Just Relax” Mentality
Advising your friend to “just relax,” “stop thinking about it,” and/or “go on a vacation” as a possibility for them to get pregnant is hurtful for many reasons. Sure, we’ve all heard anecdotes of other couples getting pregnant after they “stopped thinking about it” or went on a tropical vacation.
But essentially, you’re unintentionally placing the blame on your friend for not getting pregnant — and that can be hurtful.
I’m not discrediting the impact that stress can have on a woman’s reproductive system. But for couples who have a diagnosed and legitimate reproductive disorder (such as PCOS, endometriosis, male-factor), “just relaxing” will not increase the chances of conceiving. Can you imagine saying this to someone who was diagnosed with another chronic illness? “Maybe if you stop thinking about it, your {diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, etc.} will be cured.” No!
Better Response: “I wish I could do something for you. I wish you weren’t going through this. Want to do a spa day soon to take a break? Can I speak Scripture into your situation?”
Pushing Adoption
Adoption is a beautiful way for childless couples to become parents. However, the adoption process is long and expensive — and it’s certainly not as easy as driving down the street to pick a child out at the store.
“There are so many children in need of homes,” can be said. Not only does this imply that your friend is naïve and hasn’t recognized that need, it also suggests that she may be “selfish” for wanting to carry and give birth to her own flesh and blood. Be aware that there comes an element of grieving that needs to be addressed before adoption.
I once heard a good comparison to understand why “you can always adopt” is not a helpful solution — It’s like telling someone whose mom died that they “always have their dad.” Having dad doesn’t make you miss your mom less.
Better Response: “I support your decision no matter what it is. I can’t imagine how frustrating and stressful this is, but know I am always here for you.”
“It’s Not Meant to Be”
It’s not uncommon to hear statements such as: “It must not be God’s will for you” or “It’s not meant to be.” But this can cause your loved one to feel as though she’s done something wrong or is undeserving of a child.
From a faith standpoint, this is hurtful because it minimizes the power of our sovereign Lord. Similarly, none of us know God’s will for one another, and it’s not ours to claim. Rather, our duty as family and friends must be to encourage, uplift, and pray for our Father’s will to be made known.
Better Response: “I know we don’t understand His ways, and I can’t imagine the pain you feel. Remember, the Lord is sovereign over your life. He will sustain you through this fire!”
“It Will Happen!” or “You’ll Be a Great Mom Some Day!”
Before being tempted to say this, I suggest asking your friend if she has reached peace and contentment if she cannot bear a child. If she can truthfully search her heart and accept life as a childless woman, there is no need to keep reminding her that she would be a fantastic mom. What we end up feeling is that our family and friends are only focusing on one end goal for us: to become a parent. We consequently feel more of a “failure” if everyone around us keeps suggesting that we will be parents.
The other problem with these “encouragements” is that they make it seem inevitable that things will work out “happily” in the end. They might not — and that’s the truth that couples have accepted. We want to feel that same sense of acceptance from our loved ones.
Lastly, saying this implies that “giving up” isn’t an option. But prayerfully making the decision to end treatments (or deciding not to pursue them at all) is sometimes exactly what a couple needs to do — and it’s okay. “Giving up” in this case is not a negative thing.
Better Response: “I wish I could promise you a baby, and I wish you didn’t have to endure this. I am here for you no matter the season of life you are walking.”
Not Acknowledging or Minimizing the Struggle
Have you ever lived a shattered dream? Infertility is just that. It is a constant state of physical and emotional pain, grief, mourning, isolation, fear, and anger (amongst many others). We wonder why those around us have been seemingly blessed when we’ve been left behind. We attend baby showers and child parties wondering when it’s our turn. We cry out to the Lord in pain and anger asking “Why God? Why me? When will this pain end?”
We already feel isolated when we no longer relate to those around us. So when we never hear from our family and friends, the isolation only grows. We feel forgotten, alone, left behind. Our anger and resentment increases as we know how easy it is to send a simple text saying, “I’m thinking about you” or “How can I pray for you?” but never receive one.
I can’t stress this enough: Not acknowledging a couple’s infertility or minimizing their struggle will only damage your relationship. You may feel awkward bringing up the topic, or you may rather not have to discuss such a heavy subject, but never hearing from you brings another level of pain to our lives. Supporting a loved one with infertility means you will have to sacrifice your personal comfort level and make extra effort.
Better Response: Start by acknowledging! A simple: “How can I pray for you? I’m thinking about you. How are you feeling? Want to get together for coffee?” speaks volumes.
The best advice I can give to anyone walking alongside a couple enduring infertility is this: Your goal as a loved one should not be to eliminate their pain or offer solutions. Let them cry and vent. Ask how you can pray for them. Just be there!
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Cover image used with permission c/o Frances Gunn, Unsplash.com.
Yes to all of these. All of these can be so hurtful, yet there is so much grace for those who say them. I know people are just trying to help, but I am thankful that you are bring light to this topic
Grace upon grace upon grace!
Seriously the last one really hit home for me. Before going through IVF last year I wrote my family and friends an email stating to PLEASE talk to me, please be there for me and guess what?! It didn’t work. They still left my husband and I to feel like they didn’t even care. Thank you so much for posting this!
Thanks Tedi! I’m sorry you had to experience this from your loved ones, especially after making an effort. Sometimes it just takes time, or similar experiences, or crisis to bring them around — unfortunately. Lavishing grace always!