I remember when my infertility diagnosis was relatively new. Visions of my past mistakes and rebellion flashed before my eyes, and I would get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I began recollecting my decision not to stay pure before marriage. Though I was not a Believer at that time, my heart still broke at those thoughts of promiscuity.
One day I felt a darkness — a sense of guilt, panic, and anxiety rushed over me. My mind was racing: “Is God punishing me because of my sexual rebellion and lack of obedience?” “Is my infertility because of my sin and dirtiness?” “Did I ruin our hopes of becoming a family?”
A couple years ago, I experienced a moment that radically impacted my walk with Jesus. I was in the process of reading the New Testament in its entirety to gain a deeper knowledge of the Word. At this point I had made my way to Romans. But sitting at my patio table, a swift wind blew across my delicate Bible pages, turning back to the book of John — specifically chapter 9.
Days earlier, I had obviously read through John 9, but nothing struck me. Nothing hit me as “highlight-worthy.” But my eyes were quickly drawn to the title of John 9: Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind. It reads:
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me.” (John 9:1-4, NIV)
The words Jesus said broke me — and in a beautifully freeing way (Jesus is a pro at doing this, isn’t He?!). I couldn’t get His words out of my mind: “… but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” I’d like to say I felt relief when I read this, but it was beyond relief — it was instant, exciting, cleansing freedom. I felt the Spirit working, giving me peace, assurance, and confidence.
Is it possible that my infertility, my broken body, my pain — all of it is happening so that the Lord may be displayed in me?
The simple answer: yes! Now, the challenge to accept and understand my past has been a long road. There are still days where it’s hard to accept my mistakes. But when we dive into God’s Word, we have reassurance and confidence time and time again that the Lord desires good things for His children. He may discipline us like any good Father, but He does not punish us.
And we rejoice in this because Christ came to carry all our past, present, and future mistakes on His shoulders, making us pure and blameless in God’s sight. He has gracefully cast our sins as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). And because we ask for forgiveness, he is faithful and just to forgive us and purify us of our sins (1 John 1:9). There are no stipulations or “read the fine print” in how He extends forgiveness. You. Are. Forgiven.
My senior pastor had a powerful sermon series in 2014 entitled “Don’t Lose Heart.” In one sermon, he helped me understand that awareness of sin is heightened in godly people. It is a godly impulse of our new heart to condemn us, which is a good thing. And this awareness is greatest in those who are the most vigorously pursuing a godly life.
But there’s a fine line when recognizing our sin. Remember, Satan’s mission is to kill, steal, and destroy — and he pays special attention to accusing Believers. The Enemy has more at stake with your changed heart proclaiming Jesus Christ amongst your dirtiness and brokenness. But sisters, remember that Jesus gives abundant life – and he came to destroy the Enemy’s work! Satan may inflict pain and suffering caused by our own sinfulness, but in the Lord’s marvelous sovereign purpose, He can use it for His Kingdom through Christ, who was made sin for us. Christ’s righteousness is ours!
The pain and confusion you are feeling from your brokenness is an opportunity for God to advance His Kingdom through you. Isn’t that a powerful thought? Your God cares about you as an individual so deeply, so intimately, so closely, that He is actively seeking you to walk alongside Him. When you declared Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you were instantly gifted to proclaim Him to anyone who would listen. Don’t just proclaim Him when life is easy and good. Proclaim His marvelous works through your story of trial and suffering. Share the Good News of grace, healing, forgiveness, and freedom! Your purpose on earth goes beyond being a mother — you are a treasured child of the one true King, and are being used to glorify Him. Rejoice, sister, that the chains of your past have been broken!
Goodbye, guilt. You have no power over me!